Drugs, Death and Self Knowledge.

 One of the first discoveries of this day: is that a friend from High School had passed from an overdose last night. I wasn’t close to this person, but did know her back then, and memories arose of her smile. She had an earnest smile, that seemed to stretch from ear to ear, and was quite attractive to a conditioned view at that time. Another acquaintance has passed on to the other side, and my heart is a bit hurt, although it has been years since i even talked or smiled back at her.

 Drug abuse is something, that I am very well acquainted with. I have been free of them for some time, and the desire to exit reality with them, is a long forgotten memory. The only addiction left is the inquiring for self knowledge. The why’s and how’s of what I became? A pure stupid being full of fear, medicated into serenity, hiding from that swamp of fear that ate every atom of loving care that came his way. Living day to day, worried about running out, counting pills, as the pills mastered my every motive and being, but desperately wanting to quit, but the fear of the unknown without drugs overcame any sense of living well or well being. Tremendously selfish, with no known way of escape but by use of a substance. The guilt and shame rise to unbearable levels, and the drug grows weaker and more must be consumed to quell the guilt and shame. It is a vicious circle of hell, to be so narrowed into a hellish life. So hellish, that death becomes a very reasonable option to a suffering, drug battered mind. The cravings, aches, weakness and itching of the body are ever so consuming of any threads to sanity. 

 I have been there, but no longer reside there. I don’t know the way for anyone but the way that life and time have taken me to now. One has to want freedom from enslavement. One has to have had enough of being dependent on something to just avoid being sicker. One has to face all the wreckage, and begin the quest for self knowledge. Through my experiencing, there is no more profound experience than discovering self knowledge and learning how to become one with time through passive awareness, meditation living. It is possible to break through to the other side, and discover a natural serenity that arises from within. If you are with that Hell, take the first step of surrender. Learn to be grateful for each breath. One step turns to two steps. Two turns to three, and if you want to be free bad enough, the twelfth step may hit you in the head without you even realizing it. You are a miracle. We all are. Everything is.

Allyson, God speed

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

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6 responses to “Drugs, Death and Self Knowledge.

    • Thank you for your perspective. It is appreciated. I find for myself, in recovery, that observing people I am connected to and are lost in the realm of addiction are a part of myself, and coming to an understanding of this came through understanding how and why I grieved. I have no control over what another is lost with, but even so it is difficult to not carry conflict and desire for them to leave the realm of addiction, for the addiction blinds them from themselves which in my reality is a small part of my own self. The best I can do, is to be available, for it is a part of the self which there is no control. Paradox of Dualistic language leaves with little choice in trying to assist. When a friend continues to kill their spiritual being, in a small way they are killing my spiritual being. When they die and small part of me dies also. That seems to be the root of my grieving over death of a loved one. We are told that we must face death alone. This doesn’t seem true, since when we die, all that have consciously cared and known us seems to possess a small part of their selves that dies along with us, which leaves us with much more than alone with death.

  1. It is refreshing that you share openly about your recovery. I am a kindred spirit. I am really enjoying everything in your blog. You are my source for new music now!

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